Something has gone wrong at school. Before the sentence is even finished, most of us are already reassuring, explaining, advising, reframing or solving. We do it because we love them and we would like the difficulty to stop.
Often, though, the first thing a child needs to know is much smaller: someone is here.
Connection looks different for different children
It might mean talking. It might mean someone sitting nearby and saying nothing at all. A cuddle, if a cuddle is wanted. Practical help. Playing together. Or being allowed some space while knowing that someone is available.
Connie's job is not to make the feeling disappear. It is to make sure a child is not carrying it alone.
Why this matters
Developmental science strongly supports the importance of responsive, attentive relationships between children and caring adults. Harvard's Center on the Developing Child describes back-and-forth “serve and return” interactions as important for healthy development and wellbeing.
That is not the same as saying connection switches off the stress response, or that one person can regulate another child on demand. It means being responded to, reliably and warmly, matters a great deal over time.
Something you could try
Before offering a solution, offer a choice: “Do you want ideas, or do you want company?” Some children will take the ideas. Many will take the company, and only want the ideas an hour later.
Both answers are useful information about the child in front of you.
Do I need an answer right now — or do I need someone with me?
Do I need an answer right now — or do I need someone with me?
Connect · Move · Breathe · Notice
Sources & further reading
- Serve and Return — responsive relationships — Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University
The Breathing Space Project offers educational wellbeing activities and resources. It is not a substitute for individual medical or mental-health advice. If you are concerned about a child's wellbeing, seek advice from an appropriately qualified professional.
